Till Death Do They Part

Sometimes i wonder what hurts more? Losing a partner or losing a child? I guess it hurts either way. But that's not the case with my friend who just lost her husband. They never had a child together. For 25 years, they only got each other.

I have been married to my husband for almost three years but I cant even begin to think of the idea of 'till death do us  part'.


Her husband Bob was only days away from death after a broken hip accident. Yes, broken hip sounds a  simple  thing but  it  was more complicated than that.  Bob was at that  age  with  multiple  health  problems. But in spite of everything, she loved him unconditionally. She stayed with him even through her husband's darkest days of  blindness. She endured Bob's frustrations of losing his sight  along with his self esteem,. There was a time that a man's pride (especially  to a  former  soldier) was  crushed  of self  pity and felling of uselessness, but  Susan stood firm as a faithful and caring wife and loved him no matter what. She lifted Bob's self esteem up again even if it means total submission, letting him win most of the time. Then his dementia came which it meant harder work, more sleepless nights and dealing with her husband's delusions of Vietnam war experiences. They never had a child. Susan was not alone. God got her back.

Bob had many health problems in his age. In fact, he was suppose to be gone 4 years ago, but God heard his wife's prayer "LORD 3 more years " along with her much love  care and support, he  lived 4  more years as a very happy man. He would join our conversations and most of the time entertained us with his humorous jokes. He could even go to church. He was there on my birthday and was able to enjoy a buffet.

It was a great thing my friend was a nurse until she became her husband's personal nurse. She knew what was best for Bob.  She fought hard when others opinion said her husband  had to go but her love kept him going. She proved they wrong  

God is good to her who gave her the strength to stand firm for her husband's  welfare and even to his spiritual journey. hardships, fatigue did not bother her as the Lord was on her side. I don't remember Susan without a smile on her face, until last Wednesday, it seemed the heaven told her "rest  now  my child. Let me handle the rest".

Bob is now in the arms of the Lord where there  are no more  pain  or broken flesh. My simple prayer is for God would be there for her for one more time in her grieving. I trust that like He was  with  my friend in her marriage, there He will be also as is a widow.

Finding My True Calling

Image from Graphics Fairy

God's children are called to give best in everything they do and in any situations. Passion and joy confirm the True Calling.

Introductions became pressuring when I became a Physicist’s wife. After Jon overwhelmed the people with his profession, they turn to me with anticipation asked me what I do for living that that impresses this man of intellect. If only there is an impressive way to say I am a stay home wife. I simply gave up. So I just shook their hands as say "I have nothing smart to say".

I was proud of what I have accomplished. I taught English class in spite of no background on Education studies. When financial necessity called, I shifted to call center career for higher pay, but eventually pursued a writing position for a broadcasting network. Each job had a special place in my heart. I enjoyed all the work. I put my heart and dedication to each of them. I made so much friends. I was earning on my own. I enjoyed the feeling of independence. I was able explore my individuality. Then after, marriage turned my life in a different direction.

My life now revolves around house chores. There were several times when everything is clean and there's nothing else to do, I would stay on bed until sundown, wait until the day is finished and wait until another comes. I spent many worthless mornings feeling sorry for myself. When Jon sets off to work,I did not like the thought of waking up in an empty apartment with an empty heart. Have I lost my true calling?

Job hunt became tough for me since I moved to foreign country that is just recovering from recession. I have applied to as many job vacancies available but no one ever called back. This reality struck my pride face down that triggered a feeling of self-worthlessness and lie that a person's value is determined by tittle and figure of salary. It led me to question my value as human being. Have I been missing my true calling?

These thoughts led me to meditate on a passage of the book My Utmost the the Highest.

"God delivers us from sin— we have to deliver ourselves from our individuality. This means offering our natural life to God and sacrificing it to Him, so He may transform it into spiritual life through our obedience." - Oswald Chambers

God showed my heart's selfish desire to uplift myself up to heal my broken pride without realizing I was after pleasing others expectations and my pride's delight rather than how God wants to mold me. His silence to my prayers was the answer while words in the bible comforted my heart with hope that my present situation holds a vital part in transforming my character into life of obedience.

Home may not be the best place for career promotions or salary bonuses but I know I am called to do my best here at this present situation. One thing that surprises is, I like being at home. Looking beyond chores, there is a distinct feeling that home is where my heart wants to be. I like the idea that house is happier if someone is taking care of it. It has been my dream to live in a happier home and the people live in it will someday say “There's no place like my home”.

I was raised in a home where love of husband and wife was lost that resulted to a broken, empty home, This memory gives meaning to see beyond house chores. It encourages me to do the best I can in every little thing I do.

But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; (1 Peter 1:15 NIV)

I know my calling does not end here for where I am is where I am called. As I search for my true calling, I am called to give my best in whatever I do and whatever situation I am in. I tried to ignore what pleases other and focused what pleases God. He is more concerned with the prosperity of my spiritual obedience than my individuality.

Where God will take me next?... I shall see.

The Tale of Two Lost Brothers

There were Three brothers who lived with their father. They all had the likeness of their father, but each had different personalities. The youngest son loved to discover how everything works. The second son was always falling in love. The oldest son loved to remember. Their father always found favor with the one who remembered. He listened better than the other two.

One night, when they were old enough to go to the woods by themselves. Their father told them to fetch more firewood to keep the fire going. Their father had a great knowledge of the forest around but his strength was failing him. He taught his sons everything he knew. He spoke about which forest to avoid.

So the three went on their way on their way to fetch firewood, when suddenly a light beamed, coming from the woods where their father had told them not to go. The youngest son was intrigued and followed the suspicious light. It was dusk. There could be no possible light as bright as in mid-day.The second son was amazed how beautiful that light was and wanted to see more. And the oldest son remembered his father's warning, but he had to go after his brothers who impulsively ran towards the intriguingly beautiful light.

The chase led them into separation. The second brother found a beautiful lost nymph hiding behind a dark tree.  He fell in love instantly for he had never seen such beauty. His admiration turned to adoration that turned into obsession that turned into delusion and made him forget who and what he was. He started believing he was also a nymph. The nymph slowly turned into another creature that crawled in the dirt and ate insects. And so he started doing like so. He ate grass and insects and ran away following the nymph like a timid deer when..

The youngest brother could have sworn he heard an unusual animal sound he had never heard before. He would be known all over town if he happened to discover it first. The sound was coming from a cave. He followed it. The further he went in, the darker it got. The more he stepped in, the more unsually intriguing the sound was, and the more he was eager to discover. "Oh the fame I could get if I could just lay his eyes on this unseen creature," was all he could think of until he got too far and it was too dark for him to find his way back. He forgot where he came from. Everything was surrounded by darkness and uncertainty. He could be lost in the darkness forever.

The paths of the forest were tricky along with deceitful creatures which made it more difficult. But the oldest brother, who always remembers, remembered his father's teachings and warnings. He found his way home.

Taming my Thoughts

I'm not often like this especially when my husband is at home with me all day on weekends. He completes my day. Being with him is all that matters. 

But not today. It was like one of those days again of restlessness. My mind was like running 150 mph like I just had my 3rd cup of strong espresso. Funny thing was, I didn't have any coffee. My thoughts seemed running wild.  I couldn't even catch or keep-up with it. 

There was a rapid beating on my chest. Spontaneous sighs was all it ever made. 

Maybe wearing myself out could subside my restlessness. I sat on the floor made some crafty project. Its funny to think that though my hands, eyes and mind were at work, my thoughts were still drifting away. It felt like my heart was not cooperating.

I tried to read some books. It eluded my mind to a temporal escape for a chapter or two. It was suppose to be an interesting novel, but then again, my concentration slowly drifted away into a series of images of thoughts blurring out what i was reading. I thought its amazing how brain works. I was aware of words and sentences that I was reading but at the same time could think of something else. We got a shelf- full of great books, but not even bestseller could tame my thoughts.

I put down the book and ran over to my computer. Maybe writing a chapter of the book i was working on would calm my un-tamable thoughts. The idea got my dilemma worse, like from a small harmless sand devil turned into a raging tornado. My brain just kept on coming-up with different concepts, stories of fiction and non fictions. Stories that I don't know how to end and philosophies that I'm not sure if generally acceptable.

BAH! Forget writing! It only confused me more!

I am sure I wanted to do something but I don't know what it was. Read? Craft project? Write? I was too overwhelmed and became incapable to do anything. Then, there was a sudden feeling of emptiness crept in my heart out of nowhere. My heart longs for something else. Was it something I want? Or something more of me wants?

But there was one thing I haven't done yet. I turned to my one year bible reading plan. The next thing I knew was I was in focus and enjoying the scriptures telling of God's glorious works. 

For the first time, I felt the God's word was active and alive and the only one who could tame my raging spirit.

But it didn't end there. I wanted to express it somehow...some way, and the only way I could was through writing down my thoughts of praise. 

Then finally after writing the last word, everything went peaceful. 

Restlessness is often associated with negativity but this is the type of restlessness that I always want and is healthy for my spirit.

Lesson From Dirt

 The day was dull and dry day for me, uninspired to do anything. I tried to think of something to be thankful for. Nothing came-up. I went out for a walk just to stimulate creative juices to flow or just to escape nothingness. Still nothing. Until I looked down on the ground and saw this...

A big sigh puffed out of my chest in envy. Oh Great! Even the dirt was screaming with thanksgiving! 


There are many things be resentful for as much as to be thankful about.
Maybe the reason why giving thanks is hard is because I think too much!

Oh Wait! That's it!

Thinking!

Interestingly thinking is associated with thanksgiving. The root-word that "think" and "thank" came from the same Anglo-Saxon root word.

The fact that I have the ability to think and reason, is a major reason to be thankful. God's word kept me sane and by His laws protected me from making any bad decisions that I would regret or making poor choices that could ruin my life.

Giving thanks is an expression of humbling the heart in recognizing things worked out as we presently hoped for, in such times like showed on a simple sigh of relief saying "thank goodness". It becomes more meaningful when 'thanksgiving' is intertwined with faith, for faith could help see the future reasons why we give thanks to the Lord.


Have A Bountiful and Blessed Thanksgiving!!!

Writer Without Words

 
 
One day i asked God. Why me? I am not a writer material. Did he made a mistake instilling
 this passion in my heart? I was always in denial that I am not the right person for the job. 

There are no writers in our family that i might have inherited the skill.
 I hate instructions because I am bad at listening. Reading bores me which is the essential 
character a writer must have. I am not a deep thinker. I still even had embarrassing
 grammatical lapses! Shameful.
 I do not have big, smart words. I was only a lazy student pursuing the simplest life i could get. 
I don't like complicated things

Or maybe I am actually a genius in disguise. So I tried writing on my own selfish pursuit. 
But nothing great ever came up. Whenever i write just for the benefit of self satisfaction, 
I felt empty and unreal like i was trying to be someone I can't. How dare I am to call 
myself a writer. I haven't even written my own book or even start trying.

My husband as witness, saw I had given up several times. Maybe i am not really a
 writer but a poor delusional soul. This was the point in my life I was away from the Lord, 
emotionally drained and uninspired to write anything! There were times i asked the Lord
 to take this passion away from me. It only causes pain. The pain of not able to do what i
 ought to do. Like the passion is another living thing inside me that I cannot control,
 but strong enough to control me, and my weak body isn't strong enough to keep-up.
 I am positive this is not coming from me. I thought, for the first time time understood a
 little bit how Jesus felt when he prayed at Mt olives to take his cup of suffering. 
The passion of Christ to fulfill the Father's will, but his physical body caused him to struggle. 
He could have give-up the fight and flee for his life. But the passion is beyond his
 ability rid off that He had to ask for a heavenly help.

I didn't know what else to do. I was ready to give up writing. 
But there is a thought deep down inside me that was not coming from me, 
saying “read the bible” over and over again. But I constantly ignored it. I was just
 too lazy and too depressed to do it.

The bible sparked my desire to write at the first place. The truth in it excites me
 to think a lot that i cannot contain myself to express it in writing.
 I started a year bible plan again. In ways that I cannot explain, words
 began to come out and I started writing again. I realized my ability to write is 
coming from the Lord. I am ought to write for His glory as a reporter or a journalist
 of praises of what he has done in my life. I felt the 
distinct feeling of satisfaction of fulfilling a purpose once again. 
 
There's the answer to my question. Anybody can be anything if He allows it. 
He used weaknesses to show his strength. The bible is my mouth and the 
Word is what makes me or defines me. His word gives me strength. Without
 his truth, i am just a Writer Without Words.