Monday, November 28, 2011

Taming my Thoughts

I'm not often like this especially when my husband is at home with me all day on weekends. He completes my day. Being with him is all that matters. 

But not today. It was like one of those days again of restlessness. My mind was like running 150 mph like I just had my 3rd cup of strong espresso. Funny thing was, I didn't have any coffee. My thoughts seemed running wild.  I couldn't even catch or keep-up with it. 

There was a rapid beating on my chest. Spontaneous sighs was all it ever made. 

Maybe wearing myself out could subside my restlessness. I sat on the floor made some crafty project. Its funny to think that though my hands, eyes and mind were at work, my thoughts were still drifting away. It felt like my heart was not cooperating.

I tried to read some books. It eluded my mind to a temporal escape for a chapter or two. It was suppose to be an interesting novel, but then again, my concentration slowly drifted away into a series of images of thoughts blurring out what i was reading. I thought its amazing how brain works. I was aware of words and sentences that I was reading but at the same time could think of something else. We got a shelf- full of great books, but not even bestseller could tame my thoughts.

I put down the book and ran over to my computer. Maybe writing a chapter of the book i was working on would calm my un-tamable thoughts. The idea got my dilemma worse, like from a small harmless sand devil turned into a raging tornado. My brain just kept on coming-up with different concepts, stories of fiction and non fictions. Stories that I don't know how to end and philosophies that I'm not sure if generally acceptable.

BAH! Forget writing! It only confused me more!

I am sure I wanted to do something but I don't know what it was. Read? Craft project? Write? I was too overwhelmed and became incapable to do anything. Then, there was a sudden feeling of emptiness crept in my heart out of nowhere. My heart longs for something else. Was it something I want? Or something more of me wants?

But there was one thing I haven't done yet. I turned to my one year bible reading plan. The next thing I knew was I was in focus and enjoying the scriptures telling of God's glorious works. 

For the first time, I felt the God's word was active and alive and the only one who could tame my raging spirit.

But it didn't end there. I wanted to express it somehow...some way, and the only way I could was through writing down my thoughts of praise. 

Then finally after writing the last word, everything went peaceful. 

Restlessness is often associated with negativity but this is the type of restlessness that I always want and is healthy for my spirit.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Lesson From Dirt

 The day was dull and dry day for me, uninspired to do anything. I tried to think of something to be thankful for. Nothing came-up. I went out for a walk just to stimulate creative juices to flow or just to escape nothingness. Still nothing. Until I looked down on the ground and saw this...

A big sigh puffed out of my chest in envy. Oh Great! Even the dirt was screaming with thanksgiving! 

There are many things be resentful for as much as to be thankful about.
Maybe the reason why giving thanks is hard is because I think too much!

Oh Wait! That's it!

Interestingly thinking is associated with thanksgiving. The root-word that "think" and "thank" came from the same Anglo-Saxon root word.

The fact that I have the ability to think and reason, is a major reason to be thankful. God's word kept me sane and by His laws protected me from making any bad decisions that I would regret or making poor choices that could ruin my life.

Giving thanks is an expression of humbling the heart in recognizing things worked out as we presently hoped for, in such times like showed on a simple sigh of relief saying "thank goodness". It becomes more meaningful when 'thanksgiving' is intertwined with faith, for faith could help see the future reasons why we give thanks to the Lord.

Have A Bountiful and Blessed Thanksgiving!!!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Writer Without Words

One day i asked God. Why me? I am not a writer material. Did he made a mistake instilling
 this passion in my heart? I was always in denial that I am not the right person for the job. 

There are no writers in our family that i might have inherited the skill.
 I hate instructions because I am bad at listening. Reading bores me which is the essential 
character a writer must have. I am not a deep thinker. I still even had embarrassing
 grammatical lapses! Shameful.
 I do not have big, smart words. I was only a lazy student pursuing the simplest life i could get. 
I don't like complicated things

Or maybe I am actually a genius in disguise. So I tried writing on my own selfish pursuit. 
But nothing great ever came up. Whenever i write just for the benefit of self satisfaction, 
I felt empty and unreal like i was trying to be someone I can't. How dare I am to call 
myself a writer. I haven't even written my own book or even start trying.

My husband as witness, saw I had given up several times. Maybe i am not really a
 writer but a poor delusional soul. This was the point in my life I was away from the Lord, 
emotionally drained and uninspired to write anything! There were times i asked the Lord
 to take this passion away from me. It only causes pain. The pain of not able to do what i
 ought to do. Like the passion is another living thing inside me that I cannot control,
 but strong enough to control me, and my weak body isn't strong enough to keep-up.
 I am positive this is not coming from me. I thought, for the first time time understood a
 little bit how Jesus felt when he prayed at Mt olives to take his cup of suffering. 
The passion of Christ to fulfill the Father's will, but his physical body caused him to struggle. 
He could have give-up the fight and flee for his life. But the passion is beyond his
 ability rid off that He had to ask for a heavenly help.

I didn't know what else to do. I was ready to give up writing. 
But there is a thought deep down inside me that was not coming from me, 
saying “read the bible” over and over again. But I constantly ignored it. I was just
 too lazy and too depressed to do it.

The bible sparked my desire to write at the first place. The truth in it excites me
 to think a lot that i cannot contain myself to express it in writing.
 I started a year bible plan again. In ways that I cannot explain, words
 began to come out and I started writing again. I realized my ability to write is 
coming from the Lord. I am ought to write for His glory as a reporter or a journalist
 of praises of what he has done in my life. I felt the 
distinct feeling of satisfaction of fulfilling a purpose once again. 
There's the answer to my question. Anybody can be anything if He allows it. 
He used weaknesses to show his strength. The bible is my mouth and the 
Word is what makes me or defines me. His word gives me strength. Without
 his truth, i am just a Writer Without Words.