Writer Without Words

 
 
One day i asked God. Why me? I am not a writer material. Did he made a mistake instilling
 this passion in my heart? I was always in denial that I am not the right person for the job. 

There are no writers in our family that i might have inherited the skill.
 I hate instructions because I am bad at listening. Reading bores me which is the essential 
character a writer must have. I am not a deep thinker. I still even had embarrassing
 grammatical lapses! Shameful.
 I do not have big, smart words. I was only a lazy student pursuing the simplest life i could get. 
I don't like complicated things

Or maybe I am actually a genius in disguise. So I tried writing on my own selfish pursuit. 
But nothing great ever came up. Whenever i write just for the benefit of self satisfaction, 
I felt empty and unreal like i was trying to be someone I can't. How dare I am to call 
myself a writer. I haven't even written my own book or even start trying.

My husband as witness, saw I had given up several times. Maybe i am not really a
 writer but a poor delusional soul. This was the point in my life I was away from the Lord, 
emotionally drained and uninspired to write anything! There were times i asked the Lord
 to take this passion away from me. It only causes pain. The pain of not able to do what i
 ought to do. Like the passion is another living thing inside me that I cannot control,
 but strong enough to control me, and my weak body isn't strong enough to keep-up.
 I am positive this is not coming from me. I thought, for the first time time understood a
 little bit how Jesus felt when he prayed at Mt olives to take his cup of suffering. 
The passion of Christ to fulfill the Father's will, but his physical body caused him to struggle. 
He could have give-up the fight and flee for his life. But the passion is beyond his
 ability rid off that He had to ask for a heavenly help.

I didn't know what else to do. I was ready to give up writing. 
But there is a thought deep down inside me that was not coming from me, 
saying “read the bible” over and over again. But I constantly ignored it. I was just
 too lazy and too depressed to do it.

The bible sparked my desire to write at the first place. The truth in it excites me
 to think a lot that i cannot contain myself to express it in writing.
 I started a year bible plan again. In ways that I cannot explain, words
 began to come out and I started writing again. I realized my ability to write is 
coming from the Lord. I am ought to write for His glory as a reporter or a journalist
 of praises of what he has done in my life. I felt the 
distinct feeling of satisfaction of fulfilling a purpose once again. 
 
There's the answer to my question. Anybody can be anything if He allows it. 
He used weaknesses to show his strength. The bible is my mouth and the 
Word is what makes me or defines me. His word gives me strength. Without
 his truth, i am just a Writer Without Words.